


Shoulder Mercedes and Shoulder Hubert

by RoaringTurtle



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Arguments, Bad Influence Hubert, Bickering Friends, But for real you guys are sleeping on them, Dark Humor sometimes, Episodic Chapters, Gen, Humor, Momcedes, Questionable Choices, Supports when IS?, taking requests
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-01-21 01:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21291629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoaringTurtle/pseuds/RoaringTurtle
Summary: In times of moral crisis, a shoulder angel and shoulder devil come to guide the lost souls.The students and faculty of Garreg Mach get something a little different.
Relationships: Mercedes von Martritz & Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 90
Kudos: 132





	1. Annette

Annette was in big trouble.

She was such an idiot! What was she thinking? Everyone knew she was a klutz, so why did they leave the cleaning to her? The vase was broken! Dropped on the ground by a careless Annette who was too busy singing to notice the podium. So now there were shards of porcelain on the ground, and it was all her fault!

And it was a part of Garreg Mach! The monastery was almost 1000 years old, who knew how much history it had seen? How much was it worth? And it had flowers! The fancy kind too! It would have been better if Annette had been knocked off the podium!

What was going to happen to her? She was probably going to expelled! A crime this severe deserves nothing less. 

“There is a way to avoid such a fate,” A sinister voice whispered in her mind, “No one else was here. No one could hear you, and no one can see you. It is more than likely that you were the only witness; no one needs to ever know. It’s as simple as taking the evidence and disposing of it. It’s only a vase, after all. No one will miss it.”

The stress of the situation must have gotten to Annette since she could swear a tiny Hubert was sitting on her shoulder, whispering temptations in her ear.

“Don’t listen to him, Annie!” A tiny Mercedes protested from her other shoulder, “It might have been important to someone. They wouldn’t like it if something happened and they had no idea. You should tell the truth.” Mercie, or rather what was probably her conscience that decided to take the form of the most angel-like person she knew. She supposed that meant Hubert was the devil then.

“Is it truly worth it? To go so far for someone who you don’t even know? Someone who may not even exist? No, the faculty will simply punish you, and your sacrifice will be in vain.” The tiny Hubert insisted.

“You don’t know that, Hubert!” Mercie chided, “Maybe they will appreciate her honesty and let her off with a warning. Even if they do punish her, it’ll be over eventually. But if you hide it, then you will always feel guilty whenever you see where the vase used to be.”

“Are you truly serious? She’d forget about it before the weekend! No one would be so soft as to cry over a broken vase.” Hubert scoffed, his arms crossed.

“No, she’s right,” Annette said through her tears, “Thank you, Mercie! You know me so well. I’ll confess!” She declared, before running off. She’d find Seteth and tell him what she did, so he could fix her mistake. It was the right thing to do. Mercie knew Annette better than herself. She would never be able to forgive herself if she had tried to hide the broken remains. 

All it took was an illusion of her best friend and Edelgard’s evil retainer to understand.


	2. Ignatz

Ignatz was biting the end of his quill.

It was a bad habit, he really should stop. It was gross, but he kept doing it unconsciously. Whenever he was thinking about something, his mind wanders, and by the time he comes to, he is snacking on a feather. And today was the worst, especially considering his quill was almost half gone.

But it was probably to be expected since he was writing a letter to his parents. He had been hiding his passion for art for so long and thought that it would be like that forever, but the beautiful Garreg Mach was filled to the brim with inspiration. He wouldn’t be able to keep up this forever, so he figured he should get it over with already and tell them that he didn’t want to be a knight. He was an artist!

They would be so disappointed, they had such big hopes for him after all. It would be so much easier just not to tell them. Should he really go through with this?

“No, don’t do that! You’ll make yourself sick if you keep denying a part of yourself,” a soft voice whispered in his ear, which made Ignatz jump because he was pretty sure he was alone.

“My apologies,” A tiny Mercedes said, which was probably where the soft voice from earlier came from, “I didn’t mean to frighten you!”

“It is rather pathetic to jump simply from a voice,” a tiny Hubert taunted.

“Hubert!” Mercedes scolded, “Be nice, we’re trying to help him here!” Hubert gave a noncommittal shrug, and Mercedes seemed to accept that, and continued from earlier, “Don’t lie to yourself, you should follow your heart. Ignatz, you shouldn’t worry about what your parents think. They love you, so they will accept whatever path you take. If anything, lying to them, and yourself, will only make you miserable. They just want what is best for you.”

“Why do you care about their opinions? Personally, I believe that parents are overrated. Have you considered patricide? I’ve heard very good things about it,” Hubert offered, causing Mercedes to facepalm.

“Hubert! You promised you’d stop suggesting that!”

“My apologies.” Hubert scoffed in a way that showed little in the way of repentance, “I simply cannot wrap my head around why you are struggling with such an inane struggle. Can’t you be both a knight and an artist? In fact, did you know that I actually dabble in the arts? Only  _ I _ paint with the blood of my enemies!” Hubert gave his signature cackle, and Mercedes seemed like she was completely done with the other hallucination.

“Actually, Hubert may be right…” Ignatz admitted, causing Mercedes to put a hand to her mouth in shock.

“Ignatz! Please don’t do something you will regret!”

“No, I’m not killing my parents!” Ignatz’s arms waved frantically to get rid of the implications, “I just meant he was right about being a knight and a painter. I don't have to spend all my time training, and it's nice to have something I like as a hobby. Thank you both! You really helped me figure this out.” In the back of his mind, Ignatz wondered why he was being so sincere to these hallucinations, but he supposed he could figure it out later.

“I suppose this is my victory, then?” Hubert drawled, before disappearing.

“I’m glad you managed to figure out what was best for you!” Mercedes smiled, before vanishing herself.


	3. Marianne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicidal Thoughts

Marianne was praying to the Goddess.

_ Please, Goddess, grant my wish. I have always been a devout believer. I know that piety should be its own reward, but I have only asked for one thing, yet you constantly refuse me. Please, just let me die. _

“Marianne, please don’t do this.” A teary voice next to Marianne begged, causing her to open her eyes in shock. Had someone heard her?

But instead, it appeared to be a miniature version of her classmate, Mercedes. And apparently, it was just a figment of her imagination since no one else seemed to notice.

“Life may seem tough now, but imagine how people will feel once you’re gone. This won’t solve anything.” Mercedes seemed desperate, but she didn’t understand. No one understood.

“No. I only bring misfortune to whoever gets close. The world would be better without me.” Marianne told miniature person, quiet enough so no one could hear.

“That’s not true! And Hubert, don’t you dare. This is serious!” Mercedes admonished, which brought Marianne’s attention to the small Hubert that was on her other shoulder, who had his hand on his chin, as if deep in thought.

“Even I wouldn’t be so crass as to encourage suicide.” Hubert looked offended, “No, I had something else in mind.” Hubert turned to address the blue-haired healer, “Marianne, you should take this from someone else who is seen as a harbinger of destruction: misfortune is a tool. You say that you hurt those who are near, but sometimes punishment is necessary. You can use your talents to your advantage. This is not a curse, but an opportunity! Use it to protect those you hold dear, from a distance. This work is unsavory, but it must be done by someone.”

Marianne pondered the thought for a minute, before asking what she had always wondered, but never had the courage to ask, “Do you truly believe I’m not just a burden?”

“No, you are simply Marianne,” Hubert responded gently, or at least as gently as Hubert could be, which wasn’t very.

“Yes, I understand. Thanks to you two, I have finally realized my purpose in life.”

“That’s wonderful, Marianne!” Mercedes clapped, excited at this new attitude.

“In the name of the Goddess, I must purge the sinners!” Marianne declared, which dampened Mercedes’s enthusiasm. 

“I do believe we may have just created a zealot…” Hubert lamented, his pep talk having gone awry.

“At least she has gotten those dangerous thoughts out of her head,” Mercedes supposed, ever the optimist.

“The Day of Judgement shall run red with the Blood of Heretics!”


	4. Linhardt

Linhardt woke up 20 minutes before his lecture.

He supposed he could make it if he ran, but he still needed to change, brush his teeth, eat breakfast, etc.

Was it worth it?

“Of course it is!” A tiny Mercedes encouraged, “Your education is very important!” Normally Mercedes sat on the shoulder, but this time she was sitting on his pillow since he was laying down.

“When is he ever going to use archery? You should just stay in. It is less effort, after all.” The tiny Hubert sneered.

“That’s rude to Shamir! She took time out of her day to teach students, it is only common decency to respect that by attending! The Professor will understand why you are late if you explain your situation.” Mercedes insisted.

“MmmHmm” Linhardt mumbled from under the sheets.

“The professor ought to respect that Linhardt has his own values. If the lecture was of use, then maybe he would get out of bed.” 

“Mmmm,” the green-haired boy responded as he snuggled deeper into the pillow.

“Oh dear, I don’t think he was listening to either of us…” Mercedes looked downtrodden as Linhardt hadn’t woken up during the entire argument.

“What a farce.” Hubert scowled, probably plotting ways to make Linhardt’s life miserable despite the fact he was skipping the lecture, as per Hubert’s suggestion. 

“It’s a shame, he doesn’t know what he is missing out on…” Mercedes lamented, “Shamir’s lessons are always so fascinating. Last time, she struck a fly in the eye! Oh! You should come, Hubert, I think you’d like it!” Mercedes locked onto a new target, much to Hubert’s displeasure.

“I refuse, although I will admit her lessons on the bow are worthwhile, I am not wasting my time on lancework.” Hubert scoffed.

“You should try it, at least. I didn’t think I’d like archery either, but then I found out that it was really fun!” Mercedes’s enthusiasm was contagious enough to affect even the grim Hubert.

“...Fine. But only because I have a feeling you would force me to anyways.” Hubert relented.

“Mmm,” Linhardt contributed.


	5. Ashe

Ashe didn’t know what to do with this guy.

He had been shopping with the Professor, but suddenly a thief appeared out of nowhere and stole a book from a merchant in front of his very eyes. Naturally, a future knight couldn’t let such an injustice slide, so he had made quick pursuit, and apprehended the criminal.

But now what?

It wasn’t like Ashe couldn’t sympathize with the man, after all, there had been a point in Ashe’s life when he had been the same. But Ashe’s position was different now.

What should he do?

“Isn’t it obvious? Turn him in to the authorities and let justice take its course.” A tiny Hubert scowled.

“We don’t know the circumstances though. Maybe he was doing it for his family? I feel like as long he promises never to steal again, he should be given a second chance.” A mini Mercedes offered, and Ashe took a moment to consider.

“Do you think that makes up for his crimes? Because he had a reason? Every criminal has a reason, society would collapse if we released everyone who broke the law because of a sob story. He knew the risks when he grabbed the book, now he should face the consequences.”

“I still think you should hear him out. After all, Lord Lonoto gave you a chance. To repay his kindness, you should follow his example,” Mercedes pointed out, which Ashe had to admit was a very good point.

“Why did you take this book?” Ashe asked, stern-faced. He wasn’t going to let this man take advantage of him, thinking he was soft.

“Huh?” The man looked dumbfounded since he had probably never expected to have the chance to explain himself, before gathering enough sense. “Well, you see, my daughter is learning how to read, but the books are too expensive. And I was just so desperate, that when I saw it in your hand… I don’t know what came over me… I’m so sorry.”

The man looked repentant, and against his better judgment (Hubert), Ashe decided to let him off just this once. “Alright, but this better not happen again…” Ashe told him, releasing him from his grip.

“Ugh. You’re too soft,” Hubert commented, but it was drowned out by Mercedes’s praises.

“I’m so happy! Now their family can stay together!” Mercedes was practically jumping with joy.

“Thank you so much! I promise I won’t steal again!” The man promised, looking overjoyed at the thought of having a second lease on life. Ashe sighed, since he knew he was probably being naive, but couldn’t stop the smile spreading across his face. He would probably have to compensate for the shopkeeper’s loss, but he felt like his parents would be proud of him.

Ashe watched the man leave with his new book, when all of a sudden, a woman in a domino mask jumped off the roof and ran him through with a killer lance.

She wiped the blood from her blade with her sleeve and muttered a prayer, “In the name of Seiros, may the flames purify your sins.” It was at that point that Ashe realized he recognized the assassin.

“What the actual fuck, Marianne!” Ashe asked, completely in shock.

“I feel like this is our fault…” A similarly shell-shocked Mercedes whispered to Hubert, who nodded solemnly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must apologize. I believe I may have written a Character OoC!
> 
> This is a grave sin, and I must repent.
> 
> Ashe would never say Fuck. I'm sorry.
> 
> And I'm pretty sure that's the only "Out of Character" moment in this chapter. Absolutely nothing else.


	6. Dimitri

Dimitri was going to avenge his family.

The Flame Emperor would pay.

The dead hungered for his head, and Dimitri wouldn’t rest until he had satiated them. Even if it killed him.

“No, Dimitri! You shouldn’t let this consume you! You have so many friends who care for you. You should live for yourself,” A ghostly Mercedes insisted, which was strange. Also, Hubert was with her.

More ghosts? No, Mercedes and Hubert were still alive… So why were they haunting him?

And why were they tiny?

“I agree, you shouldn’t go after the Flame Emperor,” Hubert refused to elaborate, so Dimitri shrugged it off, but was surprised by Mercedes.

“Really, Hubert? You agree with me?” Mercedes seemed uncharacteristically shocked.

Hubert shuffled uncomfortably, “Well I think there may be a misunderstanding here. All I’m saying is we don’t really know what sh- _ he _ wants, and that maybe we should let him explain himself, and then judge who was in charge of all the atrocities. Besides, maybe the Flame Emperor has a vision for the future that we haven’t seen yet.”

“Wow, that is surprisingly well thought out!” Mercedes put a hand to her mouth, much to Hubert’s embarrassment, “But one of us needs to be the evil voice…”

“Well, maybe I want to be the good voice this time!” Hubert insisted.

“Oh my, Hubert, I’m so sorry!” Mercedes apologized, “I guess you don’t want to always be the bad guy… Alright, I’m sorry for forcing you! I’ll do it this time!” Mercedes looked at Hubert expectantly, and Dimitri was just so lost.

“Oh, well. Um, killing is wrong… Don’t do that.” Hubert tried, not convincing a single soul in the room. He turned to Mercedes, pleading for help with his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Hubert, but evil people don’t help. But do your best!” Mercedes gave a sweet smile, which contrasted with Hubert’s scowl. Was she really the best fit for an evil voice?

“Um, maybe don’t care about what the dead say since they can’t talk?” Hubert continued, looking like he wanted to disappear, but continuing out of stubborn pride.

Dimitri had lived with ghosts ever since the Tragedy of Duscar. They tormented him, every waking moment, but he had never wanted them to disappear as much as now. 

It was just so _ uncomfortable _.

“That was wonderful, Hubert!” Mercedes seemed genuinely proud of him, and then started readying herself. “Alright, my turn!” Her sweet voice did a complete 180 and turned guttural, “Dimitri, the dead won’t rest until the Flame Emperor is dead. He has already shown that he won’t listen to reason, so the only option is force!” Dimitri wasn’t sure what it was, but something about Mercedes was incredibly unsettling, “They don’t realize the pain they put you through, now is your chance to show them! Feed their entrails to the crows, grind their wicked skulls into dust, and fill them with knives! And then, only then, will they have a taste of what you have felt these past 4 years!”

“Dear Goddess!” Dimitri yelped, never knowing Mercedes was capable of... whatever that was. Was that what he sounded like? Maybe Felix was right…

Hubert was similarly unsettled, “You are _ never _ allowed to be the evil voice again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shamelessly stole the Flame Emperor Joke from Game Night, https://archiveofourown.org/works/21271586?view_full_work=true  
But for real, I really like how the author writes softie Hubert. It's funny and you should check it out, they do the joke better there.
> 
> But to balance it out, I guess I should give some good ruthless Hubert, so here is Festering Under Your Skin: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465312?view_full_work=true  
It's a really good fic that doesn't shy away from his worse aspects.
> 
> I should also put a good Mercedes fic here, but none come to mind right now... Whoops.
> 
> And this was what first sparked my idea for the fic: https://artofshiroginko.tumblr.com/post/188714117023/hello-im-still-alive-here-are-some-rarepair


	7. Bernadetta

Bernadetta just wanted to stay in her room.

But apparently, because she was a _ student _ at a _ school _ she had to do _ schoolwork_, which was usually outside the safety of her room. It was torture.

She didn’t even _ want _to be here! Why did she have to go on those stupid missions anyway?

Actually… Did she need to go on those missions? Her classmates were strong enough without her. She would only hold them back, if anything. No one would notice if she just didn’t show up.

“Bernadetta! Don’t do that!” A tiny Mercedes appeared on Bernadetta’s shoulder, “What if one of your friends gets hurt? You would have to live with that guilt forever, wondering if you could have saved them! Besides, they care for you! There is no way they could fight as well as normal if they are worried about you! And they would feel paranoid if they don’t have you watching their backs! You are so much more important than you think you are, so you shouldn’t underestimate yourself like that.”

“Huh, I guess so, I never thought of it like that…” Bernadetta admitted. Mercedes raised several good points. Bernadetta had always felt like she could trust her. She was nice and gave Bernadetta cake sometimes. She was a commoner (who knew what her father would do?), but Mercedes made Bernadetta feel safe.

“It’s just bandits.” A tiny Hubert from the other side of her scoffed, “Your classmates can handle it well enough on their own. Besides, wouldn’t you rather—” Hubert couldn’t finish his enticement to the dark side because the reclusive girl started screaming.

“Aaaaah! Hubert! What are you doing here! Are you here to kill me? How did you get in my head? Oh no! This would be the perfect crime! You could eliminate me and no one would ever know! Begone foul creature of the night! Please don’t kill me!” Bernadetta started flailing her arms, hoping to deter the assassin.

“What? No, I can’t leave until you make a decision. Now, Bernadetta—” Hubert tried to reason, not that Bernadetta was in any state to listen.

“Okay! I’ll go! Just please stop haunting me!” Bernadetta grabbed her bow and ran out of the room.

Hubert gave a bemused chuckle after getting over his initial surprise, “I probably would have done more for my cause had I not shown up.”

Mercedes gave him a consoling pat on his shoulder, “There, there. I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

“Like I would be affected by this paltry matter! That girl is afraid of her own shadow. This is nothing new,” Hubert scowled.

“If you say so…” Mercedes rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed. But she noted that Hubert still let her pat his shoulder, despite his earlier protest.


	8. Sylvain

Sylvain didn’t know what to do.

On the one hand, she had a boyfriend. But on the other hand…  _ damn, she fine! _ And she was mad cute too. It was such a waste to stay with that dork. She was like the forbidden fruit, calling to him, and who was he to refuse? Besides, if she knew what it was like to be with him, wouldn’t she ditch the other guy? 

“No, Sylvain! Don’t do it! In the end, you’ll only end up needlessly hurting people!” A tiny Mercedes was perched on his shoulder, and when he looked at the other side, he saw a very displeased, tiny Hubert.

“Whoa! Is this the famous Shoulder Mercedes and Shoulder Hubert I’ve been hearing about? I didn’t think you guys were real! I also thought my conscience would sound like Ingrid…” Sylvain asked, because he had heard all about it from one of his exs. Apparently mass hallucinations don’t go completely unnoticed. 

But Sylvain knew how this was going to go down. Mercedes was going to be a total buzzkill and then Hubert would know what’s up! Sylvain probably wasn’t going to change his mind, but he still wanted to see where this was going. 

“Hehe. Did you hear that, Hubert? We’re famous!” Mercedes giggled with pride.

“I suppose we would get recognized, eventually,” Hubert drawled, but Sylvain could see he looked pleased with himself.

“But I mean, I don’t mind Mercedes, but I’d prefer if Hubert was a sexy demon girl or something,” Sylvain hoped aloud, considering this was just a figment of his imagination.

“You are an utter buffoon and every moment I spend in your presence makes me want to retch.” Hubert seemed to think for a moment before adding, “Die.” Hubert seemed to want to leave it at that, but Mercedes gave him a stern look. Hubert simply sighed and resigned himself to his job. “Also… I think you should go for her.” Hubert looked absolutely repulsed while giving the advice.

“Eeeeey, I knew you’d understand Hubert!” Sylvain cheered. The retainer might act like he was above such “base desires”, but he was still human in the end. 

“Yes, and once you break her heart, you can get some semblance of revenge against those women who see you only for your crest!” Hubert slammed his fist against his palm in a hammer fashion and gave his signature cackle, but Sylvain felt like this was a little off.

“Hold on, aren’t you supposed to tell me that I should do it because it would be more fun?” Sylvain suggested.

“No, Sylvain, don’t do it! I know women have hurt you before, but this doesn’t mean you should take it out on innocent people. Not everyone wants you just for your Crest.” Mercedes pleaded, but this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“Bah, that sounds all good and well, but there is no way he would be satisfied with that. Unless he takes retribution, all that will remain is hate that will only fester and grow! Those women were responsible for his torment, so now they must face the consequences.” Hubert tempted, but it felt out of context.

“Uh, guys… I think you’re reading a bit too much into this.” Sylvain tried to get this back on track, “I don’t hate women, I swear. This is about whether or not I should try dating this girl.”

Hubert and Mercedes gave him a withering look but eventually the two relented.

“Alright…” Hubert gave in, “Mercedes, he should be allowed to stay in denial about his misogyny! Facing your deep rooted prejudices is no simple task.” His face broke out into a cruel grin as he teased the redhead.

“But putting this off won’t solve anything. It won’t go away, and he’ll just keep making bad choices to avoid the truth.” Mercedes could barely hide her laughter as she played along. Some angel she was.

“Again, guys… Not the issue here.”


	9. Edelgard

Edelgard made a mistake.

She had only wanted to use the bandits to scare off the new Professor so Jeritza could be in charge of the Black Eagles, and maybe raise a few doubts about Garreg Mach. But Kostas had gone too far. He had almost gotten her and the others killed.

It weighed heavily on her mind, knowing that innocent blood had almost been unnecessarily shed. She didn’t hate any of her fellow classmates, far from it. In fact, this whole situation gave her pause. Was her quest for a better Fodlan truly worth it?

“Lady Edelgard, forgive my impertinence, but you need to change your worry _ right _now.” Edelgard was used to hearing Hubert’s voice coming out of nowhere, but a tiny Hubert was new.

“I’m sorry,” A softer voice came from the other side, belonging to her classmate Mercedes, “I don’t believe I heard your dilemma. Could you tell me once more?” Mercedes’s purity and innocence belonged nowhere near a murder conspericy.

“Um…” Edelgard stammered, and glanced at Hubert, who was swiping his hand across his neck, probably motioning her to stop. Or to kill Mercedes… You could never tell with him. She decided to take his advice, and started to spin some lie to placate her, “I recently… played a prank on some friends. But it went too far. And now I’m not sure what to do.”

“Oh, you should definitely apologize! They will understand it was a mistake, and will forgive you as long as you are sincere.” Mercedes advised, and Edelgard exchanged a disbelieving glance with Hubert, who looked equally disturbed with the idea of simply apologizing after sending bandits after her fellow students.

“Well, the other students don’t know that it was you who… did the prank.” Hubert coughed into his fist to regain his composure, “You should just let sleeping dogs lie. It will only cause unnecessary drama if they learn the truth…” That was suspiciously similar to advice the real Hubert had given to her when she mentioned this to him earlier. Edelgard suddenly became suspicious if the two were truly just illusions.

“Yes, that is true. I’m not sure if they could ever forgive me. Apologizing just isn’t an option,” Edelgard parroted her sentiments from the last time she had this conversation with Hubert.

“Oh,” Mercedes looked at Edelgard with pity, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Secrets can’t be kept hidden forever, so it would be best to be honest now. They may feel betrayed when they realize you did it, but also because you lied to them about it.”

“I know, Mercedes, but I just can’t.” Edelgard regretfully informed her. She would have to face the consequences eventually. She knew that from the beginning.

“Well, in that case, you can try doing little things to make it up to them. Like doing their chores or getting them gifts! It isn’t the same as an apology, but it could show how sorry you feel. But you shouldn’t expect them to immediately forgive you either, since you haven’t properly talked with them,” Mercedes offered, and Edelgard considered it. It wasn’t much, but it would make their lives easier. It was the least she could do on her end.

“You know, Mercedes, I’ve never thought of that before. I may just do that,” Edelgard put a hand to her chin, contemplating what she could do. She knew what she had done was unforgivable, but she had never actually tried to earn forgiveness.

“That’s wonderful!” Mercedes clapped her hands with delight, “Although I hope you can make up with your friends too!” The tiny Mercedes vanished, leaving only the ashamed Hubert, who Edelgard glared at with a cross look.

“Hubert,” Edelgard started, with a tone cold enough to rival a blizzard, “Am I correct in assuming that it is the real you?”

“Yes, milady. I am very sorry, I never thought that this would happen. I nearly compromised your vision for the future. Please punish however you see fit,” the tiny Hubert gave a deep bow.

“Can you at least explain what this is? I am assuming this has to do with the rumored Shoulder Hubert and Shoulder Mercedes. How do you even get inside the students' heads?” Edelgard inquired, her hand hovering through the miniature retainer. It appeared he really was an illusion.

“Well you see, Mercedes and I had a disagreement. To prove her wrong, I took a magical item from your uncle-”

“Hubert! That was extremely dangerous, they could have killed you!”

“I doubt they would miss it. They considered this marvelous technology to be scrap. It has a mechanism that allowed you to astral project into someone’s consciousness. Unfortunately, the user can barely recall anything, so it was deemed worthless.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that their technology is unknown to us. What if you accidently caused something drastic!”

“It has been fine so far. Although there was the incident with Marianne…”

“That was you!? She has left a trail of vigilante justice in her wake. Do you realize what you’ve done? It has become so much harder to rally support against the Church now that they have the threat of the Holy Assassin hanging over their heads!”

“In my defence, there were circumstances that made it unavoidable…” Hubert looked at his feet.

Edelgard closed her eyes and pinched her nose, trying to understand what could make her retainer act so foolishly… But now that she realized it, this was probably the first time he had done something like this. Ever since she had returned to Enbarr, he had been at her side. Either that or plotting something that he felt was beneath her. But it was always her on his mind. This might have been the first time he had done something for himself.

Edelgard sighed, before conceding, “Fine, Hubert. As long as you promise to be careful, I’ll keep quiet about this.”

“Thank you, Lady Edelgard. May I ask what changed your mind?” Hubert asked, but he looked relieved he could continue.

“I’m just glad you’re enjoying yourself, that is all,” Edelgard smiled at her friend. She just wanted what was best for him after all.

“Fun? Preposterous! My carefully laid plots always have a purpose...”

Edelgard rolled her eyes as her retainer blustered on about how he would never waste time on such frivolities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, that's right! There was a plot! I've fooled you all! They were the real Hubert and Mercedes all along!
> 
> In other news, PLAYABLE JERITZA
> 
> Too bad Crimson Flower was my first path and I still need to finish Verdant Wind and Silver Snow...


	10. xXx_Holy_Blade_xXx

xXx_Holy_Blade_xXx had found her next target.

This man spread lies about the Church of Seiros, claiming it was run by Lizard people and that Rhea was actually Saint Seiros.

What blasphemy.

Just because the ArchBishop has not aged or been replaced in hundreds of years didn’t mean anything suspicious. 

This sinner needed to face retribution. The only question was how to kill him.

“Okay, Marianne, I think we need to talk,” A tiny Mercedes appeared on her shoulder, along with a cross Hubert.

xXx_Holy_Blade_xXx had a faraway look in her eyes, “Marianne… I haven’t been called that name in a long time…”

“Listen, me and Hubert were talking, and we think you took our advice the wrong way,” Mercedes started, “When Hubert was talking about using misfortune as a tool, he meant using it to protect your loved ones.”

“I never told you to go on a murder spree!” Hubert insisted, despite having gone on murder sprees on numerous occasions in the past himself. But it was different since it was for Lady Edelgard. Also as missions from the church, but that didn’t help his case.

“But… The heretics… They need purging!” xXx_Holy_Blade_xXx defended, “I need to protect the goddess from these monsters…”

“Well, the Goddess already has the Church to protect her. Isn’t there someone else you want to protect? Preferably existent?” Hubert snapped.

“I don’t know… I don’t have that many people like that…”

“How about your adoptive father? Or what about Hilda? You two are friends, right?” Mercedes offered.

“I can’t really protect my adoptive father from here… And Hilda doesn’t need me to protect her. She is already so strong on her own.”

“Yes, she is very capable…” Mercedes mused, before turning to Hubert, “Do you have any ideas, Hubert?”

“What about that horse of yours?” Hubert sarcastically suggested, which was a bad idea since Marianne’s eyes lit up. 

“Yes! That’s it! I shall become a Knight of Dorte! My first action shall be to slit the throat of that student who is always too rough when riding him!”

“Please don’t kill anymore,” Mercedes begged, “Taking a life is a terrible thing.”

“Oh, sorry. I’ll just break her kneecaps instead.” Marianne apologized, and Mercedes decided to take the little victories.

And so the reign of terror among the dissidents of the Church ended as xXx_Holy_Blade_xXx retired. Fortunately, she wasn’t punished as all of her crimes done in the name of the Goddess (Book of Seiros, Part V: The fifth eternal commandment). Also all the dead were nameless extras that no one cared about.


	11. Hilda

Hilda just couldn’t get this out of her head.

She just didn’t know what to do! Rack her brain all she might, nothing came! Never in her life had she had to solve a dilemma like this. And thinking about it so much was starting to make her head hurt. Why was this up to her, anyway?

“Don’t worry! We can help!” A small Mercedes looked at Hilda expectantly, and on Hilda’s left shoulder sat a mini Hubert, “Just tell us your worry and we can help you find what you should do.”

“Oh my Goddess! I’ve heard of you two, but I thought it was just a rumor!” Hilda put her hands over her mouth with shock. This was perfect! “Hey, if you two are going around making decisions for people, then can you tell me what to do here?”

“We don’t ‘tell people what to do’ as you so crudely put it, we advise.” Hubert sneered, “You still make the final decision. And then you need to follow through with your course of action. You can’t expect us to do all the work.”

“Ugh, fine! I guess I can do that much. Alright, so I was just wondering if I should tell Lorenz that his haircut is like, painfully terrible. Like I’m getting second-hand shame from just being near him, and I don’t even like him that much!” Hilda laid bare what she had been agonizing over the last two weeks to the duo.

A painful silence passed as Mercedes and Hubert quietly conversed and ignored Hilda, which was rude. 

“Oh, this could be an issue…” Mercedes mused, and it looked like Hubert agreed since he was nodding thoughtfully. 

“What do you mean?” Hilda pouted, “It’s just arguing over whether or not I tell him? What’s so hard about that?” Ugh, it sounded like they were going to make her work to get the answer.

“Well, normally Mercedes takes the so-called “Good” Option, and I take the “Evil” Option… but we are having trouble figuring out who takes what this time…” Hubert grimaced. “This is a first, I must admit.” He looked rather pleased with the novelty of the situation, but did it have to be on her turn?

“Maybe I should choose the ‘tell him’ option?” Mercedes offered, “I mean it can be uncomfortable, but he should know the truth. It’s for his own good after all!”

“No, I think I should.” Hubert muttered, “It would be funny to watch him try and defend that haircut.” His face broke into an evil grin as he thought of the carnage that would be unleashed. His dislike of Ferdinand von Aegir was an open secret, so it wasn’t too big a leap to figure that Hubert hated his best friend too.

“Yes, that’s true, maybe telling him would just be mean and unnecessary,” Mercedes wondered out loud, “it isn’t like it is hurting anyone… Maybe it would be better if we just politely ignore it.”

“It’s hurting Hilda. And any chance he has of finding someone to marry at the Monastery. It might be in his best interest if he shaved off that mop already.” Hubert reasoned, “Of course, it would be simpler if you just don’t say anything… It’s not like it's your problem.” Hubert and Mercedes were deep in thought as they dove into the issue.

“Wait, so are you guys actually making me decide?” Hilda pouted since this was supposed to be easy! Hubert and Mercedes just needed to pick a side. It wasn’t like this was some long debated ethical question like the Warp Panel Problem! It was a haircut!

“I’m sorry, we couldn’t be more helpful. This is the first time this has ever happened, so we aren’t sure what to do.” Mercedes looked apologetic, which made Hilda feel a surge of guilt. No one wanted to make Mercedes feel down. Hubert just sneered, but it was okay since Hilda didn’t particularly mind, mostly since he only helped Edelgard. He refused to help Hilda restock the tea, even though she offered him so many compliments! He was no help in real life, or as an illusion!

“Whatever!” Hilda gave up, “Telling him is too much work, so I won’t bother. Besides, he likes that hairstyle, so who am I to say otherwise! It reminds him of a cat or something.”

“Oh, it seems you figured it out on your own…” Hubert droned, “I guess we weren’t necessary after all.” Mercedes giggled with her partner’s assessment of their results.

Hilda stuck out her tongue at the imaginary Hubert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The warp panel problem was mentioned in passing, and that is the Fodlan equivalent of the Trolley Problem, since they are in medieval times. But the Trolley Problem is actually kind of interesting, so you should look it up. But if you are too lazy to do that, I'll just give a brief overview: 5 people are tied on one track, 1 person is tried on another one. The train is currently heading towards the 5 people, but there is a switch that will change it to the 1 person track. Do you pull the switch? And then there are a ton of other variations like what if the 5 people were criminals, or if you knew the 1 person, etc.


	12. Caspar

Caspar was fuming.

Who did this guy think he was? How dare he cut in line! Just the thought of letting this injustice slide made Caspar so mad!

Caspar was gonna put that guy in his place, and he was going to do it with his fists!

“Of course, how else can you expect to call yourself a righteous man unless you punish those who break the rules.” A tiny Hubert goaded.

“Violence should only be a last resort,” A tiny Mercedes counseled, “Maybe you should try talking with him. He might have just not noticed the line, and he could go to the end once he knows.”

“What! No way! He totally knew what he was doing!” Caspar protested, “I saw him! He even looked at where the line ended, and then just cut since it was too long.”

“Exactly,” Hubert nodded, “She would have him walk over you! You should stand up for yourself, lest you become a spineless creature like her that considers the weakness to be kindness.”

Mercedes raised an eyebrow at Hubert’s caricature of her, but responded coolly, “Well I’m sorry for not screaming  _ bloody murder  _ for every little inconvienence.”

“Well I guess I shouldn’t overreact for such a small thing,” Caspar agreed, “And if Mercedes says so, then I guess I shouldn’t fight him.” Caspar was disappointed, but knew he must be doing the right thing if Mercedes told him to.

“Excuse me? What do you mean if Mercedes says so?” Hubert interrogated, his voice dripping with venom because Caspar wrote off his advice.

“You can’t fool me,” Caspar boasted, “I’ve heard of this! You two give advice, but Hubert’s is evil! So that means I should listen to Mercedes, right?” He asked the angel, who gave him a look of pity.

“Caspar, I don’t think you understand the point of this at all,” Mercedes lamented much to Caspar’s confusion. Shouldn’t she be happy he agreed with her? “If you don’t actually understand why I told you not to fight, then I am not actually doing my job.”

“Wait, but aren’t you the good voice? Don’t you want more people to do good things?” Caspar argued.

“Although I would like it if there was more good in the world, this is supposed to help  _ you _ . Blind obedience might work once, but nothing will change in the end.” Mercedes tried to explain, but Caspar didn’t get it. Couldn’t he just not punch people who cut next time too?

“That’s besides the point. You are too hung up on the labels.” Hubert insisted, “Although we offer differing opinions, they aren’t truly ‘good’ or ‘evil’. Instead, they are more akin to selflessness versus selfishness. Do you follow what is good for the whole or the individual? If anything, I am offering you the option that is more true to yourself.”

“Wait, but being selfish still sounds pretty bad…” Caspar wondered aloud, since the evil voice was probably trying to confuse him with different words, but that wouldn’t work! Caspar knew what selfish meant. He really should get better at this. “And why do you call yourself evil anyways?”

“Obviously other people would tell you that being selfish is detrimental. They do it in their own self interest. No, to be selfish is to take action. If you want to get ahead in life, you need to look out for yourself!”

“Also, Hubert likes to be dramatic,” Mercedes added, answering the question Hubert purposefully omitted. She paid no mind to her counterpart staring daggers at her. “But I must disagree. If we all work together towards the collective good, then life will be better for everyone! There is only so much you can do on your own, which is why we should all try to help each other!”

“Yes, yes, perhaps in a perfect world. But this is not. Others will take advantage of that kindness, and rise to the top. Your sacrifices will be in vain. It is better to look out for yourself, since no one else will.” Hubert countered, but Caspar had stopped listening at this point.

“Okay… Whatever you two are talking about is going over my head, but I think you guys are saying the agreeing with Hubert isn’t actually evil, right?” Caspar scratched his head, and although Hubert scoffed, Mercedes gave an energetic nod. So Caspar took that as an okay! “Well then I guess that means I shouldn’t feel too guilty about this!” 

And then Caspar punched that guy square in the jaw.

“Thanks…” Hubert muttered to Mercedes as they watched the blue haired boy making use of his B rank in brawling on the offender.

“Well I wouldn’t want your hard work to go to waste,” Mercedes giggled, before they vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have gone for a while, but the queue is always open! And for curiosity's sake, this is the queue so far:
> 
> Felix on calling Dimitri boar
> 
> Raphael on seconds
> 
> Rhea on stalking Byleth
> 
> Dorothea on dating someone
> 
> Jeritza on returning home
> 
> But in between, I have some other ideas, and these probably won't be done in this order, but they will eventually! Probably!


	13. Felix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been a while since I last updated this story, so sorry for the delay! But the truth is, I haven't been very happy with the way the story was going so far. I felt like I got most of the jokes I could from the first few chapters, and I've just been recycling the same beats every chapter. In fact, most of the later chapters have open ended endings, where the decision didn't really matter!  
  
So I'd like to consider the this and upcoming chapters to be like a part 2 to the series. There will be a drastic change in tone, length, and theme in them, as well as a larger, overarching story, which I think you can start to see in this chapter. I hope the difference isn't too jarring.

Felix was training, as usual.

“Felix, that wasn’t very kind of you,” A tiny Mercedes scolded him from his shoulder, probably referring to how he had chased off the Boar Prince just a moment ago. Mercedes always bothered Felix by trying to act like an older sibling, but it seemed like she wanted to be a disappointed mother this time.

“Are you supposed to be my conscience?” Felix asked, not taking a break from his practice swings, “Because I thought you would sound a lot more like Ingrid.”

“Oh? That’s the second time someone has said that, perhaps I ought to switch partners to someone more fitting,” A tiny Hubert drawled on Felix’s left shoulder.

“Hubert!” Mercedes tried to act indignant, but it wasn’t very convincing since she was obviously trying to hold back a laugh. Felix got a little pissed that these two were here just to waste his time.

Hubert held up his arms in mock surrender, barely hiding his own smirk as Mercedes played along. But eventually he did acknowledge Felix. “But I must admit, I am impressed. Your comments were  _ very  _ scathing, I may even borrow a few while dealing with particularly bothersome fools. Although I must admit, I am surprised he managed to last that long under such verbal abuse.”

“I don’t want the approval of a lapdog like you. I bet you would hate it if I had insulted your precious lady like that. Ugh, you are such a hypocrite, just like my father, it makes me sick.” Felix growled.

“I assure you, Lady Edelgard wouldn’t just take it like a lying dog, like your Prince. Her bark is just as vicious as her bite.” Hubert sneered.

“Whatever. Why are you two even here, other than spreading your Adrestian Propaganda,” Felix rolled his eyes when he thought about Hubert’s claims. Honestly everything about Hubert disgusted Felix. A life in service of another was no life at all in Felix’s book. Hubert was just like Felix’s father, but more than that, Hubert was a reflection of what Felix would be if he had been brainwashed and blindly taken up the title of the Shield of Faerghus like his father wanted. Fanatical and Obsessed. That idea scared Felix more than anything else.

“Besides, I’ve heard about you two. Don’t you two come to advise someone when they want to make a decision? I’ve already made mine, so why are you two here?” Felix added once he stopped thinking about how much Hubert disgusted him.

“Indeed. After all, you have decided your life is your own. By that logic, everyone else lives their own lives too. If you are responsible for your own happiness, then you shouldn’t force yourself to humor anyone else for their so called happiness if it disturbs your own. If your Prince wants to talk, then he should do it when you are available,” Hubert drawled. He was right, but the thought of agreeing with him made Felix want to puke.

“But Felix, you two used to be so close,” Mercedes argued, “People care about you, and sometimes that means they might overstep boundaries, but only because they want to understand you. They don’t mean any harm. After all, you can only figure out so much from the outside.”

“We  _ used  _ to be close. But that thing isn’t my friend, it’s just wearing his corpse. I want nothing to do with him and he needs to understand that.” Felix spat. Honestly, thinking of the Boar Prince just made him want to swing his sword harder. Preferably at the Prince. “Besides, why are you trying to help him? He hasn’t exactly been very  _ kind  _ to you recently.”

“What do you mean? Has the Prince been bothering you?” Hubert dropped his Evil Vizier act for a moment and looked genuinely concerned, which was … new. Or at least something Felix didn’t expect him to show to anyone other than Edelgard.

“Don’t worry! It’s just that Dimitri has recently been a little bit scared of me. It’s all a misunderstanding, so I’m sure he’ll apologize once he comes back to his senses.” Mercedes tried to placate Hubert, but Felix felt she was understating it a bit.

“ _ Sure _ , he  _ definitely  _ doesn’t mean it when he screams and runs in the opposite direction at the sight of you,” Felix sarcastically suggested, before adopting a more serious tone. “But do you two know anything about that? Apparently Sylvain walked in on him doing needlework once, and he literally can’t because of his freak strength! The only thing the boar said when asked, was that he was doing it because  _ ‘The Mercedes we know is dead.’ _ ”

“Nope,” Mercedes said a little too quickly, and Felix was pretty sure he could hear her swearing that she would never be the evil voice again.

“...Whatever,” Felix wasn’t satisfied with her explanation, and it didn’t look like Hubert was either, but neither of them looked like they were going to give him an answer anytime soon. “But you never answered my question, why are you two here?”

“Well we only appear when someone is conflicted, so I suppose we should be the ones asking you that,” Mercedes acted coy.

Felix placed his training sword back in the rack, and took a deep breath when he found his answer. “Yes, I suppose I have been putting this off for far too long. I need to talk with the boar.” His eyes were burning with determination as he stormed down the halls to find the Prince.

“That… was too easy. He basically figured that out on his own.” Hubert stroked his chin but was filled with unease.

“I think it’s good that they are finally going to talk!” Mercedes clapped her hands, but understood her partner’s concerns, “But we probably should see it through this time…”

“Oi, Boar Prince. I need to tell you something,” Felix gasped for air after running around to find Dimitri in the hallways. Mercedes and Hubert were in no such state since they just sat on his shoulders instead of running. 

“Oh, Felix! I’m so glad-” Dimitri started, but was cut off.

“Shut up. I need to tell you this,” Felix took a moment to ready himself. He stared the Prince dead in the eyes, “I loathe you.” 

“Felix,  _ no _ !” Mercedes stomped her foot on Felix’s shoulder, but he didn’t really feel anything. Hubert, on the other hand, had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

“You are everything wrong with Faerghus and their bullshit knightly ideals, and I hate the person you’ve become.” Felix continued, but his eyes softened, “But I don’t blame you for my brother’s death.”

“Felix…” There were tears in Dimitri’s eyes as he revealed his true feelings, “The truth is, I only really bother with you because I feel guilty that Glenn died and because I am close with your father! I actually don’t care about you at all!”

The two boys pulled each other into a hug, having finally laid their feelings bare to each other.

“Felix, I’m only inviting you because your dad wants me to remain friends with you, but do you want to bake cookies with me?” Dimitri offered, to which Felix shook his hand.

“I would  _ hate  _ to. But you would probably ruin it, so let’s do it, you filthy animal!” Felix agreed, in the same tone that someone would say:  _ I would love to. Let’s do it, best buddy! _

As the two skipped off into the sunset, holding hands but also throwing insults at each other, Mercedes smiled fondly and wiped a tear from her eyes. “I love happy endings.” 

_ “How!”  _ Hubert screeched, completely dumbfounded by the entire interaction. “They said they hated each other! What was resolved!?”

“Getting into fights is a normal part of any friendship, Hubert.” Mercedes corrected, “Even Annie and I have them every once in a while. But in the end, we just become closer, because we understand each other better after.”

“There was  _ nothing  _ normal about that!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, no. I lied in the beginning author's note. This is still crack. Expect more chapters like the Marianne ones.


	14. Ferdinand

Ferdinand von Aegir had never felt so  _ unnoble  _ in his life, until just now.

“Good.” A tiny, but just as sinister Hubert rubbed his hands with anticipation, “Maybe now you’ll finally stop prattling on about your noble duty.”

“Hubert!” A matching tiny Mercedes appeared to scold the other apparition, “I know Ferdinand can annoy you from time to time because he always bothers Edelgard, but we are trying to help here!”

“Actually, you are mistaken,” Ferdinand corrected, “Although we have very different philosophies when it comes to advising Edelgard, we realized that we both just want what is best for the Adrestian Empire. And even if our methods may seem wrong to the other, we can achieve more working together than against each other.”

“And if he could finally admit that coffee is the superior beverage, then I might even call him pleasant company.” Hubert teased Ferdinand good-naturedly.

“I’m telling you, Hubert. There is a flavor of tea for everyone! We just need to keep looking and we’ll find one for you,” Ferdinand chuckled, but Mercedes didn’t believe the two’s sudden chummy act.

“Well, I’m glad you two are getting along now, but Hubert, when we had lunch yesterday, you complained about Ferdinand non-stop! When did this happen?” Mercedes inquired.

“Oh no. I still hate him.” Hubert stated as if it were obvious, “But only because he is a Guardian of Dorte. Those upstarts are trying to chip away at the influence of the Pegasus Triad. I would never associate myself with them.”

“Oh yes,” Ferdinand nodded in agreement, “I can forgive his taste in drinks, but not his status as a member of the Triad.”

“Wait, Ferdinand, you joined the thing Marianne started? And Hubert, how did you join the Pegasus Triad? I thought they banned men.” Mercedes asked, surprised by her partner’s pastimes.

“Well, yes. Normally, like Pegasi, they only accept women. However, because they understood my eternal devotion to Pegasi, they accepted me into their ranks as an exception. Also, they were desperate for members.” Hubert told them, completely straight-faced. “And don’t worry. I keep my work lives separate. My position in the Triad won’t compromise my advice as a Shoulder Devil.”

“Um, that’s good to hear, I suppose…” Mercedes gave up and accepted it, before turning to the one in need of guidance, “So Ferdinand, what is your concern?”

“Well you see, I am supposed to ride by the Pegasus Stables and fire a few arrows at Triad members to send them a message,  _ if you know what I mean. _ ” Ferdinand suddenly adopted an Italian-American accent, or whatever the Fodlan Equivalent was.

“ _ Ferdinand! _ ” Mercedes couldn’t even, “ _ Please  _ tell me that I don’t need to explain why you shouldn’t do a  _ ride-by shooting _ !” She thought to herself that Shoulder Mercedes and Shoulder Hubert was supposed to be for petty things! Like breaking something or having an argument with a friend! 

“Yes, even I feel conflicted about this. But it is a direct order from the Godmother, so I cannot ignore it. But she is right, we do need to send a message. The Pegasus Triad were selling their Pegasus Blessings on our turf, and that undercuts our Dorte Bathwater profits. We cannot let this kind of disrespect slide!” 

Mercedes was bursting inside because she wanted to tell him that no  _ sane  _ person would ever want to buy either, but Hubert exploded first.

“How do you not understand the beauty of Pegasai!? They are unquestionably majestic! How could your cult possibly care about a horse when it is so obviously inferior!? It’s like a Pegasus without wings. That’s absolutely worthless!” Hubert took a moment to calm himself after his rant. “My apologies. I let my emotions overcome me. I assure you it won’t happen again.”

“Are you  _ seriously  _ not concerned by the fact that he wants to shoot down Pegasus riders!? I  _ really _ feel like you should worry about them instead of the fact that Ferdinand doesn’t understand the beauty of Pegasi!” Mercedes' concerns fell on deaf ears though.

“Well, Ferdinand, you were ordered to do so, so it is in your best interest to obey.” Hubert shifted into professional Shoulder Devil mode. “You don’t know these people. If anything, they are your enemy. Do you really want to risk your life for these people? You  _ do  _ know what happens to those who earn the Godmother’s ire.” 

The words chilled Ferdinand’s spine since he actually did not know. They never did find out what happened to Antonio, who was found to have pocketed some of the product.

“Hubert, why are you encouraging this!?” Mercedes wanted to pull out her hair in frustration, which was a shame since she had really nice hair, “Aren’t you a member of the Pegasus Triad! Won’t you be sad if your friends get hurt?”

“Oh, of course. But they knew the risks when they joined the Pegasus Triad,” Hubert gave his cold analysis, “Besides, the Triad won’t take this lying down. The Triad  _ will  _ pay back those Dorte bastards tenfold. A Pegasus never forgets, and a Pegasus never forgives! They are surprisingly spiteful animals and can hold a grudge for generations, even if their eyesight isn’t very good. Why else did you think men can’t ride them? They mistake all men for this one guy who stole a carrot 1000 years ago.” 

But Hubert’s animal fun facts were lost to Mercedes, who was still trying to get her mind around the absurdity of animal-based gang violence.

“I do not understand why you are making such a fuss about it. It is not much different from a friendly mock battle, like the ones we hold between our houses,” Ferdinand chimed in, and Mercedes wondered how to politely explain that there was a big difference between a school-sanctioned event and guerilla warfare.

“Anyways, Mercedes, I am  _ trying  _ to keep my work lives separate. Don’t think you can trick me into siding with you. We have a duty to present both sides of an issue,” Hubert was being surprisingly logical all of sudden, in exactly the wrong area. 

“You’re hopeless, Hubert.” Mercedes gave up on her partner, “Ferdinand, you must know this is wrong, right? There is  _ nothing  _ noble about a ride-by shooting. And think about the consequences! Not only would you hurt these students, but your friends in the Guardians of Dorte would also have to deal with the Triad’s Retribution! Ferdinand, you need to follow your heart and do the right thing, even if it goes against what you were told to do. It’s at times like this when you need to ask yourself,  _ ‘What would Seiros do?’ _ ”

“Yes, Mercedes, you are correct.” Ferdinand conceded, which gave Mercedes a semblance of hope. “I cannot believe I even entertained such thoughts! There is truly nothing noble about a sneak attack!”

“Yes! Thank you, Ferdinand! After all, these are your classmates, and you obviously wouldn’t want to drag them into such senseless violence-”

“Therefore I shall challenge them to a duel! After all, a noble must accept responsibility for their actions. They shall learn to fear the Guardians of Dorte! We shall no longer hide in the shadows! The Pegasus Triad must learn their place if they wish to survive!” Ferdinand cut Mercedes off and ran to challenge the unknowing students assigned to Sky Watch. 

“You know, I’ve seen my share of unsavory events, but I believe this is the first time I had the pleasure of witnessing the opening of a gang war…” Hubert smirked as he watched his classmate shout his name.

“Just shut up, Hubert,” Mercedes was 100% done with everyone today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hubert gave Felix and Dimitri a lot of shit for their friendship, but that is basically the same thing he has with Ferdinand. I was going to have Mercedes call him out on that, but she was otherwise preoccupied at the time.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone wants to see any characters who need to make a decision and could use some (questionable) guidance, I'm all ears.
> 
> If you have any ideas, please mention the character, the decision, and (I'd prefer if you didn't, but if you really want a certain one): The outcome.  
For example: Character: RoaringTurtle; Decision: Going to Sleep at a reasonable time; and Outcome: he doesn't.


End file.
